Falling to Pieces
by 2bethz2
Summary: How did Severus feel as he watched Lily with James. He loved her, but she never returned his feelings. How does he cope, what does he think and how does he deal with watching the girl he loves most in the arms of another guy? All for Severus' point of view. Short songfic with the song 'Breakeven' by The Script


**Ok, I absolutely love this song, it is beautiful despite being sad. I also happen to love Severus Snape as a character.**

**This is about him watching Lily and James together from a distance, hiding his love for Lily and suffering in silence as we all know he did.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything Harry Potter related and I don't own the song 'Breakeven' which is by The Script. But I do think that both things are beyond amazing.**

**...Please Review...**

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_I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,  
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in,  
'Cause I got time while she got freedom,  
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even._

I see her smile and it takes my breath away. Her lips curve upwards to reveal a beautiful set of perfect teeth causing me to sigh at the beauty of it but my head screams to my heart that the smile isn't for me and I am suddenly rendered breathless once again.

I watch as hands tangle in her flaming red hair, small locks falling over her mystical green eyes. But then I am reminded that those are not my hands as they could have once been. They were the hands of James Potter.

I squeeze my eyes tightly shut in an attempt to imagine me in the same position but all I can see is the darkness that reminds me so strongly of what I did. If I hadn't said that one thing, If I hadn't called her a Mudblood, then we would still be friends and I would still have a chance. But it is too late and I have only myself to blame. I didn't even mean what I said.

As James touches his lips to Lily's I am forced to look away. I feel sick. Within moments I find this too hard to bear and I have to get up and leave the great hall. I was too angry at myself to eat.

It sickens me to think that she is spending all of her time with James when the only time I have now is time by myself with my books and school work. So much time...

_Her best days were some of my worst,  
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,  
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping,  
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even._

I lie in my bed, unable to sleep, unable to think of anything but her. I picture her in a clean white wedding dress with her red hair curled into tight ringlets and held up with a white ribbon. But as she walks down the aisle, she isn't walking towards me, She isn't saying "I take you, Severus Snape" with her voice of velvet and the "I Do" she whispers while smiling and crying with happiness is not meant for me. It is for James.

Instead, I am sitting in the back row of seats, watching from a distance as the girl I love most in this world marries another man. It is the happiest day of her life. I cannot say the same for myself.

I roll onto my back and gaze up at the ceiling. At least I know one thing for sure. Although James is an arrogant good-for-nothing, I can see in his eyes that he loves her almost as much as I do. He won't hurt her like I did; he makes her happy.

But I also know that if I didn't screw up so badly, I could make her happier.

_What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?  
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok?  
I'm falling to pieces,  
I'm falling to pieces_

Remembering how things used to be between us caused my heart to ache with longing at the same time as it brings comfort and soothes the whole in my chest. I feel as though I cannot win. Every happy memory brings pain because I can never have another like it and the one memory of what I did dominates my thoughts for every moment that I am not distracted by a trivial matter like homework.

I feel, quite literally as though my heart has been pulled from my chest and crushed. 'At least she is ok.' I keep telling myself as though it will fix the problem. But just knowing that makes me happier. I would rather she was happy with James instead of unhappy with me. So although it kills me, I suffer in silence. She has no idea how I feel and she never will know. It would complicate matters, she is already angry at me for what I said and if I were to tell her this then life would be more stressful for her (which I don't want) as well as giving Potter more reasons to make my life hell.

_They say bad things happen for a reason,  
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding,  
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving,  
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even._

Maybe it was a good thing what happened. She is probably better off without me as a friend; I am a loner, a freak, good for nothing. I only lower her social standing at the school. But no matter how many times I tell myself this, it doesn't make me love her any less.

When I see her with Potter, see the happiness shining in her green eyes, I know that she had moved on, our friendship a distant memory in the back of her mind. I only wish that I was in the same position, able to move on from her. Looking to the future instead of what happened in the past.

_You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,  
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.  
Now I'm tryin' to make sense of what little remains,  
'Cause you left me with no love and honour to my name._

People who say love is an amazing thing. I agree. It probably is when you have it and when it is returned. But when it isn't and you are seeing the girl who has captured your heart in the arms of another guy who is also so in love with her, it is hard to make sense of the situation. You constantly find yourself asking why it isn't you that gets to hold her, gets to be on the receiving end of her smile and gets to kiss her.

But how was I to get over her?

Was it even possible?

_I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,  
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in  
'Cause I got time while she got freedom  
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even_

I make my way towards my potions class, not really looking where I am going. I stare blankly into space trying to think of the essay I had written last night about Golpalott's Third Law when suddenly I am sprawled across the floor, face down, with my books surrounding me. Laughter reaches my ears and I blush in shame. Without looking up, I pick up the books that had fell from my bag and rush around the corner, ignoring the shouts of insults about my clumsiness that came my way.

But just as my luck would have it I end up running head first into the one and only Lily Evans. I apologise quickly and pick up her book before attempting to walk around her in the other direction but to my surprise, she catches my arm.

"Can I talk to you Severus?" She asks the first words she had said to me for a long time.

"Are you sure Potter would be ok with that?" I spit out the words and instantly kick myself mentally for the harshness of them. "I mean, sure. We can talk." I look down, refusing to meet her gaze. She drags me into an empty classroom before releasing my hand from her grasp and looking intently at me.

"I feel I owe you an apology." She says quietly. I look at her questioningly.

"What on earth for, you have done nothing wrong, it was me that ran into you." I say with surprise in my tone.

"I mean for before, when you were apologising to me about what happened those months back." She had no need to say what she was referring to, I know what she meant. "I think I over reacted, you didn't mean what you said, you were just angry."

"But it still doesn't excuse what I did." I mutter.

"But you apologised, and I was wrong to not accept it." She smiles weakly. "I know we haven't spoken for months now, but I was wondering if maybe you would want to be friends again. The way we used to be." Was I dreaming? I pinch myself on my upper leg to wake me up but nothing happens. She has forgiven me.

"Yes." I whisper. "That would be great." A smile breaks across her face causing my heart to stutter and this time, I was on the receiving end.

"Thank you Severus." She says joyfully before jumping into my arms and hugging me. I raised my hands gingerly and hugged her back, closing my eyes. I never thought I would hold her in my arms. A door behind me opens and Lily pulls away.

"Hey James." She says, smiling wider. "I'm coming now."

"What are you doing in here with Snivellus?" Potter says as I turn to see him, my hands ball into fists.

"He is my friend." Lily says simply casting a small smile in my direction.

"Oh." He shrugs his shoulders dismissively. "We better hurry or we will be late for class." Lily nods and runs to his side. He kisses her quickly on the lips and walks from the room without a second glance at me. Lily offers me another smile and waves before following him out the room.

I smile to myself, for the first time in a year. Lily had forgiven me, but then, thinking about the kiss her and Potter had just shared, my burst of happiness disappears in a heartbeat, because although she has forgiven me, she is still in love with Potter. It is still Potter who will tangle his hands in her hair, it is still Potter who will get to kiss her and it is still Potter who will be gazing into her sparkling green eyes.

I just have to be ok with being her friend, because I know, deep down in my soul that she will never fully return my love.

At least she is happy... I will simply have to fight against the fact that I am falling to pieces inside as I watch her in love with another.

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**Ok, I know it is sad and there is no happy ending but sadly Severus never got a happy ending, I tried to give him some happiness by giving him back his friendship with Lily though, he deserves that much.**

**Please Review. :):):)x**

**No Flames.**


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